mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
