here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Someone signed my nipple.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
