Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
