i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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