Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
this beer tastes like vomit already
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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