weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Just puked most of my soul out..
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