Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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