I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I don't deserve a penis
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
