I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
