If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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