I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
