I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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