I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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