Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
