I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
