Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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