hotel room ftw
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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