i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
