my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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