My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
