got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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