I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
