After last night, I could never be a politician.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize