The maid of honor just puked.
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
