you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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