I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
