No, you can still breathe under the balls.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
