Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
