Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
