Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
