Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
