And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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