apparently the secret to your success is patron
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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