Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Why is your signature on my underwear?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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