i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
