My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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