Already got asked if we're dating
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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