I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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