my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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