You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
