i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
