I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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