I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You may now shotgun with the bride
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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