Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
