Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
