best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
