"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
