My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
