You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
