I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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