Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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