so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
