what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
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