can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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