I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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