I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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