I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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