i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize