ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
