Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
